The Science of a Hobbit
by evildragon503
Summary: One of Sherlock experiments went wrong for John or why else is Mycroft suddenly calling himself Gandalf and DI Lestrade claims to be an elf? Or is it just a giant prank by his friends? Anyhow John is really pissed with his flatmate and consulting detective.
1. Chapter 1

**First 'Sherlock' attempt.**

**This idea came to me when I rewatched The Hobbit DOS**.

**I know there are many Sherlock/Hobbit fics out there but I thought I give it a try**

* * *

-1-

"This bloody idiot" muttered John angry. Sherlock, his flatmate and self-declared Sociopath, had used one of their teapots (John favourite) for one of his experiments again. John did not have a problem with Sherlock using their microwave to store eyeballs or other body parts but John's teapot was off limits.

"Sherlock" yelled John and took the other teapot from the counter. It had been a gift by one of John's aunts and it had kittens on it. Why couldn't Sherlock use this one?

Groaning John yelled once more "Sherlock" but instead of answering John heard that his flatmate started to play the violin and seemed to ignore John.

"Bastard" said John and fixed himself a cuppa. When it was finished he took a huge sip despite the heat and headed to the living room.

Sherlock stood with his back to him and still played his violin.

"Is it too much to ask" started John annoyed "that you use to the other teapot and not mine?"

Sherlock stopped playing but did not turn around. "The one with the kittens? Don't be stupid John, I can't use that for my experiments. It's hideous."

"Sherlock…" John started but was cut off by a coughing fist. Sherlock wheeled around and on his face a look of concern.

"John!" he said and walked over to his friend to take his cup of tea way. "Tell me you did not use one of the cups near the sink."

John glared at him and said between coughs "What did you with them?"

He saw that Sherlock said something but he could no longer hear him. His coughing got worse by the second and soon the felt his knees give away and he fell into darkness.

The first thing John was conscious about was the small of horse.

'What had Sherlock done now' his groggy mind asked.

"Old Myrtle sure likes you" said a voice next to him which he did not recognize.

He opened his eyes and found himself nose to nose with a horse.

"Oh jeez" he yelled and quickly got to his feet. In front of him stood a brown small horse and looked at him with hurt in its eyes.

"What the…" he started but a chuckle interrupted him.

"Don't scare our bugler old girl" said the voice again. The voice belonged to a man who sat on a large rock, they were outside on a field John realized, and looked amused.

"Who… What is going on?" asked John bewildered.

"Old Myrtle wanted to wake you up" the man said and pointed at the horse. "Quiet right to do so because I think Thorin wants to get going soon."

"Going where and who the heck is Thorin?" John asked confused but then it dawned to him. "Oh this is Sherlock! One of his little experiments again is it?"

He began pacing back and forth in front of the strange man, who was clearly part of Sherlock's homeless network by his looks, and the horse. He muttered all kinds of curses before he stopped dead in his tracks. He looked down at himself and found that he was dressed in strange cloth. A dark red jacket over a green vest with a light shirt. Instead of his jeans he wore brown cotton trousers which ended just by his knees and he wore no shoes but his feet were no longer his. They were huge and hairy.

"I am going to kill him" John said angrily and then started shouting at the blue sky above. "You hear that! I am going to kill you Sherlock!"

The stranger was now standing and he approached John with a look of concern.

"Are you alright Bilbo?" he asked softly as if he was talking to a scared animal.

"Bilbo?" John said enraged. "You know bloody well who I am! You have had your fun with me now."

The man's eyes turned huge and he said "I am going to get Gandalf."

"He calls himself Gandalf now" John shouted after him as the stranger left in a hurry. "What a dumb alias is that?"

"And you" he added and pointed at the horse. "You are going to tell me where I am."

The horse just looked at him and then neighed. Figuring that the horse was really just a horse John huffed and turned around to study his surroundings. He was in the country but he was not sure if it even was still Britain. All around him were hills and small forests. In the distance he even saw a hill with a ruin on top.

'Oh Sherlock will pay for this' he thought furiously.

"It seems there is a problem" suddenly a voice John knew very well said behind him. "At least that is what Bofur here told me."

With an evil and mad grin John turned around and said "Of course there is a problem Mycroft!"

For it really was Mycroft Holmes who stood behind him but he was dressed in a grey robe and instead of an umbrella he carried a long wooden staff. He was also 3 heads taller than John.

"That growing spurt can't be healthy" John said flabbergast.

"Sorry?" Mycroft said and an eyebrow rose behind the hairline. This was such a typical gesture of the eldest Holme's brother that John started to laugh but it was more angry than happy.

"What? You wear stilts under your robe? The mighty Mycroft on stilts. Is the government in danger or is Sherlock blackmailing you, for you to wear that?" John said and soon found himself shouting. "Of all the times you could work with your brother you choose this? And here you had me thinking you were above stuff like this."

Mycroft just looked at John mildly irritated. The strange man, who was also way smaller than Mycroft and carried a huge pickaxe, leaned to the taller man and whispered loudly "I said he was behaving strange."

"You did" Mycroft agreed but kept his eyes on John. "Bofur go and tell Thorin, Master burglar and I are going to catch up with him later. Tell him also to stay on the road and not to go into the woods. Understand?"

Bofur nodded and said "Of course Master Gandalf."

When he was out of sight Mycroft said to John "You should have told me that the encounter with the trills shook you like this Master Baggins."

"What Trolls?" asked John, now extremely annoyed. "Look Mycroft. You and Sherlock had your fun. Can you please stop now?"

"Gandalf is the name they call me. Not Mycroft" Mycroft said and looked down at John. "There is also no Sherlock. Only Smaug who you agreed helping destroy.

John sighed defeated and sat down next to the horse.

"You have come too far to turn back now" said Mycroft in a way which meant 'Get a grip on things you idiot."

John knew he would have to play along to Sherlock's game if he ever wanted to get out of it. Sometimes he wanted to skin the consulting detective alive.

"Right then… Gandalf" said John mockingly. "Let's get going or we won't catch up with this Thorin guy."

* * *

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to the kind reviews.**

* * *

-2-

It turned out that Thorin was a dwarf prince who was on a quest with 12 other dwarves to reclaim their home, for they have been driven out of Erebor by that Smaug guy. According to Bofur, who was also a dwarf, Smaug was the biggest calamity of their age. The dwarves had also told John that they now lived in the Blue Mountains which were in the west of Middle Earth.

Currently they were between a town called Bree and the Misty Mountains. At least that was what Mycroft…Gandalf had told him. John also found out that Mycroft was not large but he was not more than three feet tall. Even smaller than the smallest dwarf Ori. Oh and he was something called a hobbit.

If John wasn't so angry and annoyed with Sherlock, he would have given him credit for the creativity and the attention to the details. But so it was that he only rode behind Mycroft on Myrtle and tried to catch the eldest Holmes brother off guard.

"So this Middle Earth. Is it anywhere near Britain?" he asked as they followed a path which had been hidden behind rocks.

"I can assure you there is no such thing as Britain. A wizard as myself should know" Mycroft answered in his usual bored voice.

"Hang on! What do you mean with wizard? You are no wizard!" John said baffled.

"Of course he is a wizard. He is very famous among the dwarves back at home" said Kili, a young dwarf, enthusiastically, but Mycroft only smiled slightly amused.

"You flatter me Master dwarf" he said, "but I can ensure you I only occupy a minor position in the wizard ranks. Nothing more."

John snorted. "So you basically are the wizard ranks, as you are the British government."

"The Istari are no government. We are simple guardians over Middle Earth" said Mycroft and stopped his horse. As the others stopped theirs as well, Mycroft turned to Thorin. "You now listen to me. You need help with the map which was left to you by your grandfather. You cannot read it but the elves can help us."

He looked at Thorin with a superior expression. "Try not to make it too obvious that you hate them. The elves, especially Lord Elrond, are smart in their own way. Without them you cannot find the hidden door."

With that he left Thorin standing and rode down the path. The dwarf prince shot him an angry glare. He mumbled something in the language of the dwarves and followed Mycroft.

"What hidden door?" asked John who already figured out that he had to play the consulting detectives game along if he ever wanted to get back to Baker Street.

"You have heard Master Gandalf back at your hole" said Dwalin, a mean looking dwarf with a nasty smirk. "He already told you or was it while you had fainted."

"I did not faint" John said appalled.

"Yeah you did" said Dwalin and in his face John could read that the dwarf thought him a weakling.

"Now brother" said Balin, the eldest dwarf and warrior, "Do go easy on our burglar. It's his first adventure and the encounter with the trolls was quite unpleasant for all of us."

Thanks to Bofur every dwarf thought that a meeting with three large mountain trolls had scared John so much that he lost his memory. Sherlock was really creative sometimes.

"Don't mind him" said Balin to John as they rode. "Thror who ruled under the mountain when Smaug attacked, had installed a secret door. He left Thorin, his grandson and heir, a map and a key so he could find the hidden entrance and take back the mountain."

"Why did Smaug attack in the first place?" John asked kind of interested on what Sherlock had come up with now.

Balin smiled fondly, as if he was in a pleasant memory.

"Imagine all the treasures in the work. Gems as white as starlight and gold as shining as the sun. Erebor had it all but our most precious possession was the Arkenstone, the heart of the mountain. It shines with its own light but when outer light fells unto it, it reflects the light into ten thousand sparks with glints of the rainbow."

"I have never heard of something like that" John said with fake amazement.

"There is nothing similar in our world" said Balin and his expression turned into an empty one. "Sadly Smaug had heard of our wealth as well and since his is a possessive and murderous creature he had to have it. The day he came was a black one for Durin's folk. Lots of dwarf blood was split and our mountain lost."

John saw Mycroft and Thorin stopping and he did as well.

"And now you want to take it back?" he asked trying to be polite.

"Yes they try" answered Mycroft for Balin. "But first they need answers and we hope to find them down there."

He pointed his staff down a cliff and Johns gaze followed. He had to blink twice for he could not believe what he was seeing.

Between two mountains, surrounded by rivers and waterfalls was a small village. A village of such beauty that John could only say "Wow".

"This is the valley of Imladris" said Mycroft, "but ordinary people, who are not capable of speaking Elvish, simply call it Rivendell."

"Is it a hologram?" John asked in awe.

Mycroft raid an eyebrow. "If you mean you imagine it, I'd say no. It is quite real."

"How did it get there? I mean I was only out for a couple of hours" said John stunned. "At least that is what I hope. How did he do it?"

Sherlock must have planned this for longer than John had realized.

"It has always been there" said Mycroft in a bored voice, as if it was a burden to speak with other humans, well people.

"Lord Elrond established it in the Second Age and it is used as the last homely house east of the sea. Even elves as Gil-galad…" he stopped himself and looked at Thorin with a fake smile.

"Well you don't need to know about that."

Thorin bowed to him and with a dangerously calm voice said "Vas em bi, Tharkûn."

The group then followed a small path down the cliff and soon found themselves in the village. To John it looked like someone had carved the houses out of ivory and had placed them so neatly together that it looked as if it was only one. The houses were connected with small bridges and streams flowed beneath them. Once John thought he saw a waterfall pouring from a terrace.

When at last they reached a small market square of sorts, Mycroft stopped them and at once a few people came down a staircase. They were the fairest and most beautiful people John had ever seen. They walked with a grace he had never witnessed with humans before and their ears were slightly pointed.

"Daukhel" Bifur, brother of Bofur, growled with dislike.

"Elves" translated Balin for John.

John was busy studying the other elves but when he saw the man coming behind them, he had to stop himself from laughing out loud.

Clad in a robe much like Mycrofts, only of richer material and with a tiara on his salt and pepper hair, Detective Inspector Greg Lestrade came down the stairs.

"Ah Gandalf" he greeted Mycroft in his rough voice. "Do what do I own the pleasure?"

"Lord Elrond" said Mycroft and went over to Greg. For once he looked slightly happy as if he was glad to finally have somebody more intelligent than dwarves near him.

"These dwarves and their leader Thorin Oakenshield came to ask if you could help them with their problem."

"Dwarves are not really my division but I´ll see what I can do" Greg said but then turned to Mycroft with amusement in his voice.

"Wait a minute. Couldn't have you helped?"

Thorin's grin turned into a sneer.

"I prefer a second option on this" Mycroft said with dignity and ignored the dwarf.

"Right then" Greg said and pointed the dwarves up the stairs. "In you go."

The dwarves went upstairs but Greg remained with Mycroft in the square. The Detective Inspector turned to John who had also stayed with a smile.

"And who are you?" he asked.

"Oh come on Greg. You know who I am" John answered, trying to swallow his laughter for that tiara looked absolutely ridiculous.

Greg frowned and turned with a confused look to Mycroft.

"This is a Hobbit from the Shire" Mycroft explained and shot John an annoyed look. "He is known as Bilbo Baggins but since an encounter with trolls which shocked him deeply, he claims to be John Watson."

"Doctor" said John, now also getting annoyed.

"Sorry?" Mycroft asked.

"It's Doctor John Watson and stop pretending as if you bloody don't know" John almost shouted ant to Greg he said "I can't believe you are in on this as well."

Greg, looking deeply troubled, said quietly to Mycroft "Maybe I have a potion for this."

"I don't need a potion" John shouted. "I need you to stop playing along to Sherlock's bloody game."

"Look, Bilbo…John…whatever" Greg said and looked at John like he was a mental patient. "We will find a solution to your problem and if you prefer to call me Greg that is fine."

John groaned and turned around.

"Who is Sherlock?" he heard Greg whisper behind him.

With a yell, John kicked a flower pot into the nearest stream.

The good doctor had enough.

* * *

_**Vas em bi, Tharkûn = So is it, Gandalf**_

**To be continued**


End file.
